Why Isn't My Name on the List?

No matter how thorough and solid the theory, no matter how magnificent the description, no matter how moving and dazzling the blueprint—packaged, whitewashed, and rehearsed through realism, romanticism, liberalism, or whatever else... In truth, they were all mere window dressing. When the time came to test one's true mettle, it all boiled down to a single question: when the trial arrives, are you willing to step forward and stand at the very front? If Karen hadn't thought too deeply about it when he first learned from his maternal grandfather on the front line that people had to be sent into the karst cave to retrieve the divine artifacts, then by the time Bern opened the office door to reveal a swirling flock of paper ravens, Karen already knew what he had to do next. A decision... did not really exist, for there had been no lingering hesitation or agonizing deliberation leading up to one. Yet Karen felt no surge of hot-blooded passion in his chest, nor did he consider himself noble or grand. If anything, he felt somewhat uncomfortable. He felt uncomfortable because he was going in to wipe those bastards' asses. He felt uncomfortable because he had to lead a cadre of his closest confidants and other volunteers down a road of no return, where the survival rate was under ten percent, and where most of them—including himself—might never walk out alive. Pure, unblemished justice was simply too rare and precious. Most of the time, one had to look at those nauseating faces, take a deep breath, and keep one's head down to do the work. For a long time in the past, Karen had plotted promotion tracks with Neo and the others, analyzing relationships of interest and calculating how to maximize gain while avoiding harm, all while continuously penning lines in that notebook that left Alfred in awe. Back then, he had actually been sliding into becoming a refined egoist. The hallmark of such people was that while everything they did and thought was purely self-serving, they could still weave together a pretty logic to put a flattering filter over themselves, deceiving others while deceiving themselves as well. At critical junctures, people like that couldn't stand tall, and one could never count on them. Of course, they could rarely cause any real damage either; a mere scratch would have them wailing in agony, leaving them capable only of hiding within the crowd, buzzing like a swarm of refined flies. Back on Fire Island, when Lord Theisen summoned his dharma body and shouldered the Scythe of War like an enormous flyswatter, his thunderous reprimand had thoroughly "swatted" Karen awake. The old man had been Diss's closest friend and had sat at the round table participating in the formulation of the Church of Order's policies. An elder of such depth and wisdom needed only a single glance to see through what was swirling in the mind of that little fellow surnamed Inmeles. Ever since then, Karen had begun to correct his conduct. In Neo's words: "Why does everything you do nowadays have to bring up the Code of Order?" Faith is a torch. Many people love to brandish it to set others ablaze. In reality, for most people, that torch can only be used to light the path ahead for oneself. It was not having faith that made someone great; rather, it was the constant self-restraint and self-correction born of that faith that gradually guided one to become a better version of oneself. "Phew..." Karen exhaled slowly. That was why he could not run from this. "Vic, choose the rest from the list. Hand the roster to the Head Bishop at eight in the morning." "Yes, Minister. Do I need to inform them now? They're still on the front lines, though their shift rotation should be happening about now." On the front line, the ones who truly bore the burden were the formation masters and the security teams guarding the outer perimeter of the barrier. The rest of the personnel could now be rotated out. Karen nodded and replied, "Yes, notify them." It was a notification, not a negotiation, and certainly not a request for advice. This was not Karen being tyrannical or cold-blooded. It was because the people he had chosen had all stepped inside the performance hall, gazed upon the "coffin," and sworn fealty to him. They were now truly his own inner circle. Under the premise that he would lead the team into the cave in person, if their involvement still required polite consultation, wouldn't everything he and Alfred had built all this time amount to mere child's play? Besides, even Vic, whose resolve was usually the shakiest, had already volunteered his own name. "I'm heading home for a bit. If anything comes up, call the house." "Understood, Minister." Karen walked out of the Head Bishop's office and took the elevator straight down to the basement level, arriving at the floor that housed the teleportation array hall. Not bothering to hail a taxi, Karen waved down one of the carriages waiting nearby and gave his destination. Only after settling into the cab did Karen belatedly realize: he wasn't on an official business trip, so why had he suddenly become so extravagant? Yet on second thought, it was easy to understand. Just as people diagnosed with a terminal illness often grew far more willing to splurge on fine food and clothes, frugality was for the sake of the future. What if there was no future left? Upon arriving at the apartment building, the coachman deferentially held the door open for Karen. Karen took out a point coupon and handed it to him. "My lord, let me get your change." "No need. Just wait for me here." "Right away, my lord." Karen headed up the stairs. Just as he reached his door, it swung open from the inside. The golden retriever inside had heard his footsteps long before and came over in advance to open the door. Once Karen walked in and sat down on the living room sofa, Kevin habitually nuzzled against his trouser leg, offering his bald head for Karen to pat. *Clatter!* The bathroom door was pushed open. Wearing one of Karen's shirts altered shorter, Little Kanna stepped out while drying her hair with a towel, then bent down to dry the fur of Purr, who emerged behind her. Once they were finished, Little Kanna came over and sat on the rug, while Purr perched atop her head. Neither rushed to ask, knowing Karen would speak on his own. "Something happened yesterday..." Karen related the entire sequence of events. The young girl, the cat, and the dog all remained remarkably calm. It was not that Little Kanna lacked understanding; rather, she didn't see what the big deal was about an outbreak of pollution. During her days in the Church of the Burrows, she had witnessed far more gruesome massacres between races. Purr was composed thanks to her vast experience. Back then, the Allen family had harbored illicit designs on the God of Light's finger, and she had personally fused with that very finger. Breadth of experience lent the cat her unflappable steadiness. As for Kevin, matters of this scale were practically child's play to him. After all, with the assistance of the God of Order, he had personally suppressed and slain the Sea God—a principal god! As for his loss of composure in the street yesterday, that was because the sudden surge of divine power had misled him into thinking the return of the gods had begun. He hadn't been repulsed by divine pollution; rather, the shift in circumstances combined with the sheer disparity of his current state had thrown his psyche into severe disarray. Those sharp, frantic barks had really just been his expressions of impotent rage. "...I've already decided. I'll take Alfred and the others as volunteers into the cave to retrieve the divine artifacts." Little Kanna tilted her head. Having eaten and bathed, she was already getting drowsy; Karen's lengthy recount sounded more like a lullaby to her. Kevin's eyes went wide with shock, while Purr's tail bristled straight up! "Woof!" "Are you insane?!" "Woof, woof!" "The modified body the stupid dog gave you can resist contamination below most tiers, but divine pollution is not on that level!" "Woof woof woof woof!" "This is completely different from the lingering divinity on divine artifacts or remnants preserved in sacred relics! Even though their experiment failed, the stupid dog genuinely sensed the aura of a new god back then. Maybe the new god died in its infancy, or collapsed before it could even solidify into a stable entity, but it truly existed for that fleeting span of time! No matter how faint it was, it is fresh divine pollution—and quite possibly the very first pure, authentic aura of a god to appear in this world since the dawn of this era! Even Rielsa, who slipped out of the Gate of Samsara, could no longer be counted as a true deity at the time! Do you understand what this stupid dog is saying, Karen?" Karen pondered for a moment, then nodded. To make a rough analogy, it was like an area that had suffered radioactive contamination ages ago; years had passed, and residual radiation lingered, detectable on objects left behind. Now, a radiation source the size of a ring had appeared. It might be tiny, negligible in volume, or even shattered on the ground, but it was fresh and newly active. Step within its perimeter, and it would blast you with fresh, intense radiation. Karen had come home precisely to gather as much useful information from Raniedal as possible to boost his survival rate. Well, the information was gathered, but his survival rate had dropped because of it. The worst-case scenario he had envisioned turned out to be far rosier than reality. Now, the probability of walking out alive and completely untainted had dropped to a mere one percent. "Karen, have you forgotten how your parents died? Have you forgotten that not even Diss could purge the pollution from them and had to end their agony with his own hands?" "Madam Tangli told me the exact same thing." "Karen, I admit you're special. You're brilliant. In my eyes, you're practically the reincarnation of Diss. In fact, given enough time, I believe you could reach heights even Diss never achieved. "But don't throw your life away. Seriously, don't go courting death. This world has never lacked geniuses; what it lacks are those who survive to reach the summit. "So listen to this cat, all right? Don't go." Karen nodded. "All right, I heard you." Then, he shook his head. "But I'm still going." "Why, meow?!" "Woof!" Kevin let out a bark. It wasn't an agreement with Purr; rather, for the first time ever, he actively interrupted the cat. Purr looked at the stupid dog in surprise. Kevin nodded, shifting from a seated posture to prostrate himself before Karen. "Stupid dog, what are you flattering him for now? If Karen's gone, no one can break your seal, and you'll be stuck as a dog forever!" Kevin paid her no heed. Prostrated on the floor, his tail gently swayed behind him. His doggy eyes gazed steadily into Karen's, and Karen looked back at him. In that instant, Kevin recalled the memory of following the God of Order to the God-Burial Grounds all those centuries ago. Later theological historians believed that the God of Order had flattened the God-Burial Grounds to emphasize the distinction between his era and the Era of Light. Yet as an eyewitness to that history, Raniedal knew all too well what a perilous place the God-Burial Grounds truly was. Even with the God of Order's formidable might at the time, going there was fraught with peril. Moreover, the God of Order was plagued by the hunger addiction then. Razing the God-Burial Grounds had not only inflicted grievous wounds upon him, but had also exacerbated the affliction that tormented him. As for the reason... Raniedal believed it was exceedingly simple: the God of Order deemed the existence of the God-Burial Grounds contrary to the rules of Order. When the God of Order encountered something he believed ought to be done, he simply did it. Right now, Karen gave Kevin the exact same impression. He had made up his mind. If it was something he ought to do, he would do it. Any amount of persuasion or obstruction would be utterly futile. "Woof woof woof woof!" Purr didn't translate. Yet Karen nodded and said, "Go on." Purr rolled her eyes. *Fine, neither of you are even pretending anymore, meow.* "Woof woof..." Kevin began explaining how to prevent and block divine pollution, as well as methods to protect oneself in such an extraordinarily complex environment. Karen knew the Church of Order wouldn't send them in blind; there would certainly be briefings and distributions of precious protective tools. But in terms of sheer experience, even an orthodox church could hardly hold a candle to the dog before him. After all, once knowledge was distilled into written words, it inevitably suffered some degree of distortion. As Kevin continued his explanation, Karen felt his previously plummeting survival rate shoot up dramatically—it doubled on the spot. Roughly from one percent to two percent. When it was done, Karen rubbed his eyes with his fingers to soothe his fatigue, while Kevin trotted over to his water bowl to lap up water and wet his throat. Purr had already hopped down from Little Kanna's head, for the girl had fallen asleep in a seated posture, her forehead resting against the rug. Thanks to the continuous nourishment she had received lately, Karen couldn't say how much her growth rate had progressed, but her skin had visibly plumped out, giving her the appearance of a delicate porcelain doll. Purr walked up to Karen and asked, "There's really no room to negotiate?" Karen shook his head. "Unless you want me, Alfred, that performance hall of yours, and Diss's expectations of me to become a laughingstock." "So what if it's a joke? No one's going to laugh at us." "I would laugh at myself." "I'm angry. I'm really angry, Karen. And no, I'm not angry because if something happens to you, I'll die right alongside you." "I know." "You should cherish your life, Karen." "And do what with it?" "Meow..." Karen reached out to stroke Purr's fur. When his hand brushed her tail, Purr naturally curled it around his finger. "I've already asked Luoya to have the artifact spirits in the Sealed Space help refine the surgical plan. Once I complete this mission and come out... oh, wait, after finishing this mission, I still have to report to the investigation corps and head to the Church of the Desert for the investigative intervention. "In any case, it shouldn't take long before you can recover another portion of your strength—perhaps even temporarily regain the ability to turn back into a human." "Do you think hearing that makes me happy right now? Karen, I'm not a child. I'm more than ten times your age." "Then when I get back, I'll cook fish for you for a whole week." "Really, meow?!" "Yes." "Fine then. You better come back safely. I'll be waiting at home to eat fish." "Mm." Having pacified Purr, Karen prepared to close his eyes and rest for a bit, but just then, the doorbell rang. Kevin, having just finished his drink, scampered over to open the door. Standing on the threshold was Richard. "On what grounds?! Tell me, on what grounds?!" The moment Richard burst in, he strode right up to Karen and grabbed the collar of his clerical robes with both hands. His next move seemed aimed at hauling Karen up from his chair. Yet upon meeting Karen's gaze, the deep-seated respect he had always held for his "big brother" won out, and he quietly released his grip. "Karen, why didn't you sign me up? Ventura, Muri, Philomena—they're all on the roster! Why not me?!" "Because..." "Don't you dare say it's because I'm weak! I already looked into it—there are cannon fodder roles among the volunteers! You don't need overwhelming strength, just someone who can provide solid support! I guarantee there'll be priests weaker than me on the final list! "Besides, I know I can't match their specializations, but I'm versatile! I can do a bit of everything! A volunteer team needs someone like me!" The kid had even learned how to cut off arguments beforehand. Karen told him the real reason: "Your grandparents have taken great care of me. I don't want anything to happen to you and break their hearts." Richard threw up his hands, staring at Karen with utter incomprehension as he yelled, "That is completely absurd, Karen! Listen to what you just said!" "Hm?" Richard pointed furiously at himself and shouted, "What, only Richard Guman has grandparents, and the other volunteers are all orphans?!" The problem was that the Guman family had already offered up one grandson. If Karen brought Richard along and both the paternal and maternal grandsons perished in an accident, wouldn't Delon and Grandmother lose their minds? They had already sacrificed an exceptionally talented daughter for the Church; there was no reason for them to sacrifice two grandsons on top of that. Even when shearing sheep, one shouldn't keep shearing the exact same sheep down to the skin. Yet Karen could hardly spell this out to Richard. "Karen, I'm a believer of Order! When something like this happens, I ought to step forward!" "Others deserve that same opportunity just as much." "Forget about being a believer of Order for a second—look at what we are to each other! Do you know why I've worked so hard, even though I'm not a genius...?" *Among ordinary priests, your talent is actually quite decent,* Karen thought. "...The reason I work so hard is that I don't want to keep dragging you down! I want to be useful to you! That's why even when my dad beat the crap out of me, it didn't hurt that bad—as long as Jerry's abilities could develop further, I'd have more chances to help you, Karen! "Do you know? To me, Karen, you're like my big brother! I can feel how much you've looked out for me and pulled me up all this time, and I really treasure that! Truly! "But if you leave me behind on something like this, I'll feel betrayed! "If you were going to a pastry shop without me, fine! But you're walking into the jaws of death, and you won't take me with you? That means you don't even see me as a brother!" "What nonsense are you spouting, Richard?" "Karen, if you won't take me, fine! I'll extract Jerry, and you can take him! Jerry can help you!" "Jerry is terrified of me, as you well know." "Then let Jerry stay on Philomena, Muri, Ventura—any of them!" "Do you know the consequences if you sever yourself from Jerry right now?" "I do! Jerry and I will both suffer vital deterioration. I'll age prematurely, turning from a young man into an old one. Jerry will lose any path to further evolution and might even regress, because we're bound far too closely together!" "Good, at least you know." "But I don't care! I will do it anyway!" "Are you threatening me, Richard?" "I wouldn't dare threaten you! I'm just telling you what I will do!" "Then you can go home right now and ask your grandparents for permission." "I'm an adult! I can make my own decisions!" "Your threats won't work on me. Even if you rip Jerry out right now, I'll immediately lift my foot and crush him into the carpet. "However, if you can get your grandparents' permission—if your grandfather calls me personally—I'll agree to put your name on the list." "Fine! You said it! My grandfather is a loyal believer of Order. He might be reluctant to lose his grandson, but I know I can convince him!" *Good boy. While you're busy convincing your grandfather, your grandmother will knock you cold with a club and tie you up at home.* *Hiss...* Karen suddenly realized something: once he returned to the Church Affairs Building, he shouldn't step foot outside again. He worried that Grandmother, realizing his earlier compliance had just been empty lip service, might abruptly leap out from somewhere and give him the exact same club-to-the-head treatment. When pushed to the brink... Grandmother was truly capable of anything. She could even take on a Regional Guardian single-handedly. "Wait for my news, Karen! It won't take long!" Richard dashed out the door. Barely had Karen gotten a moment of peace when the door was pushed open once more. Standing in the doorway this time was Memphis—Uncle Aisen. "I came back with Richard. He just took my car keys and rushed off." "Mm." Mr. Aisen didn't step inside. He merely stood at the threshold, looking at Karen sitting within, and said calmly, "Add my name." "Uncle..." "If you die in there the same way your mother did, my illness will definitely relapse—and far worse than before. Living like that would be worse than death." Unlike with Richard, Karen found himself utterly unable to refute his uncle's words. "Uncle, I will come out safely. Please believe me." "This is a knot in my heart. I believe this is an opportunity granted by the God of Order to cure my affliction once and for all. "In my heart, I promised your mother that I would protect you at all costs. It was precisely because I learned you were my nephew that I managed to crawl out of the quagmire I was trapped in. "Now you face the same situation. If you don't let me accompany you, that quagmire will swallow me whole all over again. Do you understand what I mean?" "I understand." "So..." "I'll add your name, Uncle." "Good." Having received a satisfactory answer, Mr. Aisen turned and left. There was no need to seek Grandfather and Grandmother's approval for this. Even though Aisen was their son, Karen knew they certainly wouldn't want to see him regress to his former state—or worse. Purr quipped, "Why don't you go notify Dake, your uncle-by-marriage, and Lucie, your aunt? We could give the Guman family a full Loyalty Gift Basket." Karen retorted, "Is that funny?" "I'm not mocking you. To borrow the tone of the radio spirit: whether friends, relatives, colleagues, or subordinates, everyone's destiny hinges on the choices they make at crucial moments. "I believe you won't have any mishaps this time, meow. You still have to come back and cook fish for me! So look on the bright side: the Guman family tying themselves so tightly to you is actually tremendous fortune. "You can shake off everything else, Karen, but the bonds of family are the one thing you can never escape. Mm-hmm, not that you ever wanted to shake them off anyway—you actually rather enjoy them." "All right, I'm heading back to the Church Affairs Building. Things are hectic there, and dawn is approaching." Karen stood up. First, he lifted Little Kanna, who was sound asleep in a prostrated kowtow position, and carried her over to his bed. Then he walked to the door. Purr sat perched on Kevin's back. Kevin started to say his farewells, but Purr tugged at his fur. Kevin looked puzzled, but obeying the command of the "Evil God Knight," he refrained from saying goodbye and returned to the bedroom. Purr drew a deep breath and muttered in a slightly aggrieved tone, "We'll be seeing each other again right away. What's the point of saying goodbye?" ... Karen stepped outside. Just then, he heard liquid splashing over the railing ahead. Looking up, it wasn't from the floor above, but from the rooftop. Someone had an arm extended over the edge, pouring out an entire bottle of red wine. Though Karen wasn't fond of drinking, he could smell that the wine was quite expensive, the kind that cost point coupons to purchase. That made this gesture very out of character for the person pouring it. Instead of going down, Karen headed upstairs to the roof. Neo tossed the empty bottle forward; it rolled across the surface with a clinking rumble until it came to a stop at Karen's feet. Karen bent down, picked up the bottle, set it upright, and asked, "Done living like tomorrow matters?" Neo, reclining sideways against the railing, pointed a finger at Karen and asked, "I thought you'd put my name at the very top of the list. And yet, my name wasn't on it." "Your situation is a bit complicated right now—you're practically hosting a tea party in your head. I was afraid that if I dragged you down there with me, you'd end up forming an entire basketball team." "Should I thank you for not saying a soccer team?" "Don't mention it." Neo stood up, dusted off his hands, and walked over to Karen. "How could an adventure this fun leave me out?" "It's not fun. Do you know that the probability of coming out unpolluted and safe that I just extracted from Kevin's doggy mouth is only two percent?" "Isn't that far more thrilling than Russian roulette?" "Heh." "I have to go, Karen. You can't go in there having fun by yourself without taking me. Tsk... that came out wrong. "That place is dangerous. You need me to lead the way." "Wouldn't taking you make it even more dangerous? There were two percent survival odds; take you along, and they might drop straight to zero." "I've already temporarily settled my previous issues. Right now, those personalities in my head are being as good as gold. You can test it yourself." With that, Neo placed a hand on Karen's shoulder and released his mental consciousness. Karen didn't resist, establishing a psychic bridge with Neo to facilitate resonance and communication between their minds. "You all fear pollution. Normally, I would too. But right now, I can use another method to turn my disadvantage into an advantage. For instance, under the premise that everyone faces a high probability of corruption, I happen to have extra spares to take the hit for me. "For example..." A phantom of a black formal suit materialized around Neo, and his eyes took on an uncanny, demonic sheen. In a voice never heard from him before, he murmured: "Blood is my sole obsession in this life. Apart from blood, nothing else can stir my heart." Immediately after, a phantom of a noble, magnificent robe draped over Neo. His eyes turned grave and stern, his aura instantly dominating his surroundings: "I do not believe the God of Light exists in this world. The influence of other deities simply does not exist for me." Then Neo snapped back to normal and smiled. "See? The Gambler's seal works wonders. For the next few months at least, not only can I switch between personalities, but I can also control and harness them. Philias's personality isn't suited for that place, though—I'm worried he'd suddenly become obsessed with researching it and refuse to leave, hahaha." Neo's laughter was bright and booming, steeped in deep confidence—and he truly had earned the right to it. A man who had teetered on the brink of losing himself time and again, yet repeatedly reclaimed his sanity. No matter what blows he weathered, he stood like a reef in turbulent seas, enduring unbowed. "Hey, say something. How's the inspection? You felt it just now, right?" "Mm." "So add my name. If you die in there, I'd honestly be disgusted to death. Why is it that someone like me, who's constantly searching for a good way to die, never manages to die, while you all go ahead of me one by one?" Karen opened his palm. In his hand gathered a cluster of black mist, while behind him faintly coalesced the phantom silhouette of Order. "Neo, do you know what worries me most? When I talked with Kevin earlier, he deliberately avoided mentioning it, but he knows it full well, and so do I. "I have a stronger capacity to resist pollution than you do. But compared to external divine pollution actively attempting to corrupt you, my greatest threat comes from the hunger addiction inside me. I'm afraid that down there, I'll trigger the most massive outbreak of hunger addiction yet. "Once I fail to suppress it, I will lose myself. My consciousness will likely fall into an eternal slumber, and I will cease to be me." "Heh, what's there to be afraid of? What's the big deal?" A wisp of pure white light suddenly welled up around Neo, coating the contours of his frame in a milky glow: "It's just accidentally falling asleep, isn't it? If that happens, I'll just wake you up."