Give Me Back My Bowl

Lao Duozi picked up the urn and shook it beside his ear. A rustling sound came from within. "The quality doesn't seem like much..." Zhang Laifu said, "Listen closer. I think the quality is pretty good." Did that count as the truth? Zhang Laifu figured it did. As far as ashes went, the quality was probably quite fine. Lao Duozi asked him, "Why is that?" Zhang Laifu's face was drenched in sweat. He didn't know how to answer. Lao Duozi could tell truth from lies; if he lied, the old ghost would see through him in an instant! Lao Duozi asked again, "Why is it kept in an urn?" Zhang Laifu pondered for a moment, then simply opted for an outright lie. "The shopkeeper told me that high-grade snuff has to be stored in an urn." "Is that so?" "Yes!" "You're not fooling me?" "From the bottom of my heart!" "Nonsense! This isn't high-grade snuff either!" Lao Duozi kicked Zhang Laifu again. When Zhang Laifu spoke just now, his voice hadn't sounded solid at all—it was obvious he was lying. "Senior is right, this isn't high-grade snuff." Zhang Laifu's sweat had already soaked through his clothes; he couldn't come up with a better explanation. Lao Duozi fumed, "I don't use snuff, but I've seen it! Good snuff is always kept in boxes; only the low-grade stuff is stuffed into jars! You little brat embezzled from me again!" Zhang Laifu didn't deny it. If you say I embezzled, then so be it! Lao Duozi asked, "Did you buy enough this time?" "Bought plenty!" Zhang Laifu replied loud and clear. That was the honest truth. In Wansheng Prefecture, one jin was sixteen liang, and Zhang Laifu had indeed bought a full jin. Whether he had handed it all over was another matter entirely. Clutching Zhang Laifu with his left hand and carrying the porcelain jar in his right, Lao Duozi walked into the ancestral hall. Zhang Laifu gripped the potion tightly in his hand, ready to fight for his life. Lao Duozi smiled at Zhang Laifu. "Laifu, don't be afraid. It doesn't matter if the snuff's appearance is a little lacking. Our bowl isn't picky." "Really? Our bowl looks like an honest, accommodating bowl." Zhang Laifu feigned pleasant surprise, though his voice still trembled a bit. "Silly boy, you're an honest sort too. I can hear how scared you are, but none of that matters. Now that the soil is filled in and the bowl has opened, we have to sow the seed. Can you guess what seed I'm going to plant?" Lao Duozi's smile grew increasingly benevolent. Without missing a beat, Zhang Laifu said, "Using craft essence can grow a craft spirit!" Hauling Zhang Laifu inside the ancestral hall, Lao Duozi said, "I don't need a craft spirit. I was a craftsman to begin with, and my craft is top-notch." "But I don't have a craft!" Zhang Laifu looked at the enlarged fedora. Originally, it could only fit on a head, but now two people could stand inside it. Inside the hat, smoky dust churned like a pot of boiling white congee. "It doesn't matter if you have no craft. My craft will be your craft. Laifu, from this day on, you and I will be one person. With me around, no one will ever bully you again!" Lao Duozi dragged Zhang Laifu right beside the hat. Waves of fragrant snuff assailed their noses. With just a little more force in his grip, Lao Duozi could shove Zhang Laifu into the hat. "Senior, you're so kindhearted!" Standing on the rim of the hat, Zhang Laifu slipped his right hand into his chest and twisted off the potion bottle's cap. "Laifu, you don't need to be afraid. In the future, the two of us will live as one—that's hardly a bad thing!" "Senior, I know it's a good thing. You don't have to pull so tight. If you keep holding me like this, you won't be able to open the urn!" Zhang Laifu's eyes remained fixed on the ash urn. "You care so much about this urn? You think I don't know what you're trying to do? You think I don't know you've got something on you?" Lao Duozi snatched the potion from Zhang Laifu's hand, threw it to the ground, and smashed it to pieces along with the bottle! "Laifu, this bottle had poison in it, didn't it? Were you trying to poison me to death?" Poison? Lao Duozi seemed to have misunderstood. Zhang Laifu said nothing. Tearing a scrap of cloth from his clothes, he tried to dab some of the potion from the ground. Lao Duozi chuckled. "Where did you get this poison? Which grand master gave it to you? Did you think this stuff could poison me to death?" Zhang Laifu touched the cloth to the potion, but Lao Duozi caught the sound. "Silly boy, put some more muscle into it! Soak up more of that potion and see if you can kill me." Lao Duozi let go of Zhang Laifu, snatched the scrap of cloth straight away, popped it into his mouth, and swallowed it. "Zhang Laifu, look closely! I'm a ghost. Your little bit of poison is useless against me—even the poison from the alarm clock has no effect on me!" What alarm clock was he talking about? The wind-up alarm clock he carried? Could that thing release poison too? Zhang Laifu had no time to ponder this. Taking advantage of Lao Duozi's release, he turned on his heels and bolted. Lao Duozi's figure flickered, and he hauled Zhang Laifu back in a flash. "Silly boy, what nerve of yours is misfiring that you dare play tricks with me? "Let me tell you the truth: if you had bought less snuff, you might have lived two more days. But the moment you bought enough, your little life was forfeit!" As he spoke, Lao Duozi shook the ash urn once more. "The grade is a bit poor, but our bowl is fine—it's not picky!" With those words, Lao Duozi pried open the ash urn with one hand and dumped all the powder inside into the hat. He poured it! Mistaking his own ashes for snuff, he had dumped them straight into the hat. The fedora shuddered violently, the powder within churning incessantly, nearly knocking Zhang Laifu off his feet. "Silly boy, time to hit the road. In the future, whenever my name is mentioned across Wansheng Prefecture, you'll be counted right along with it. You should be grinning in secret..." Lao Duozi yanked hard, intending to pull Zhang Laifu into the hat, but Zhang didn't budge. He felt the strength suddenly drain from his hands. "This... isn't right." Lao Duozi's smile vanished. "Isn't it?" Zhang Laifu grabbed a handful of wood shavings from his pocket and slapped them onto Lao Duozi's face. These wood shavings had been scraped from the water cart outside the gate. Zhang Laifu hadn't been able to bring himself to throw them away and had kept them tucked in his pocket all along. As the wood shavings adhered to his face, Lao Duozi felt an agonizing pain he hadn't experienced in ages. Pain—real, searing pain, as if thousands of tiny knives were gouging at his face, slicing open his skin and burrowing into the flesh. The agony was so intense that Lao Duozi felt the sense of touch he had lost for years was on the verge of returning. Trembling all over from the pain, Lao Duozi could no longer maintain his hold. Seizing the opportunity, Zhang Laifu tore himself free and leaped away. Enduring the excruciating pain, Lao Duozi listened to the sounds coming from the fedora. "What I just poured into the bowl—was it snuff?" "Do you think it was?" Zhang Laifu retorted. "You lied to me? You dare lie to me about something this big? Just what was that thing?!" Lao Duozi lunged to grab Zhang Laifu, but his hand missed. A powerful gravitational pull welled up from inside the hat, dragging at his body and slowing his movements far more than before. This pull felt strikingly similar to the sensation of his body collapsing in on itself right before his death. Lao Duozi was terrified. "I didn't lie to you! I bought all the snuff; I just hadn't gotten around to giving it to you yet!" Zhang Laifu stepped forward and kicked Lao Duozi. He wanted to boot the old ghost straight into the hat, but Lao Duozi grabbed the brim with all his might and scrambled back out. "That was my body... You put my body into the bowl..." Lao Duozi's voice quavered. "You put your body in yourself! You finally found your body—that's a good thing!" Zhang Laifu kicked him again. "You motherfucker, you really are a fool!" Clutching the brim with one hand, Lao Duozi pulled the alarm clock from his chest with the other and began winding it. "What the fuck gives you the right to bully a fool?" Zhang Laifu charged forward, snatched the alarm clock away, and gave Lao Duozi another kick. Lao Duozi reached out, trying to grab Zhang Laifu's leg. Zhang Laifu hurriedly pulled his leg back. If Lao Duozi snagged him, he'd be dragged into the hat right along with him. Lao Duozi kept crawling outward, gripping the brim. Although the ashes had entered the hat, they hadn't been fully refined yet, leaving him enough strength to fight against the pull. Slowly extending his right hand, he slapped his chest. *Thump!* The drum-maker's supreme art: A Single Mallet Strikes the Note. The drumbeat rang out, but Lao Duozi lacked sufficient strength, and the sound wasn't loud enough. Besides, Zhang Laifu was no longer in the ancestral hall, so the blow failed to find its mark. Where had Zhang Laifu gone? Had he run off in terror? Where could he have run? Never mind him for now—find the seed first. Lao Duozi was experienced; even in such dire straits, he could still mount a countermeasure. As long as he found a suitable seed and placed it in the hat, allowing the hat and seed to interact, he might still preserve his ashes. Underneath the table lay two craft essences; those would serve as suitable seeds. Resisting the hat's gravitational pull, Lao Duozi struggled to his feet. Just as he moved toward the altar table, he suddenly heard a racket outside the door. *Clatter-bang-bang!* Wearing the short jacket covered in talisman spells, Zhang Laifu charged forward, pushing the cart before him. He dressed quickly—a skill honed from his days as an extra. Normally, the water cart couldn't fit through the ancestral hall's entrance, but half the wall next to the door had been knocked down by Lao Duozi. Straining with all his might, Zhang Laifu shoved the cart into the hall. "Zhang Laifu, I'll have your life!" Lao Duozi hammered his chest with force. *Thump! Thump!* Two dull thuds sounded. Zhang Laifu felt his chest cavity resonate, his heart feeling as though it were about to burst. "You want my life? I'm not giving it to you!" Zhang Laifu gritted his teeth and endured, his body shivering in waves. "You little bastard, you're dying right here today!" In a ruthless frenzy, Lao Duozi violently struck his own skull. *Thump! Thump!* Another two dull thuds! The skin on Zhang Laifu's forehead split open. His vision blurred, and he nearly collapsed. "You old bastard, you're definitely dying before me!" Blood smeared across his face, Zhang Laifu ground his teeth and kept charging forward, pushing the cart with everything he had. "Laifu, listen to me..." Lao Duozi panicked. He had no idea what method Zhang Laifu had used to block his drumbeats. He wanted to buy some time, but Zhang Laifu didn't pause for a single step. Risking his life, the boy simply charged forward. Swinging his fist in a wide arc, Lao Duozi slammed it toward his own cheek—a desperate final strike. *Crash!* Zhang Laifu beat him to the punch. Pushing the water cart, he slammed into Lao Duozi, knocking him along with the water cart straight into the hat.