New Year's Eve Dinner

Even though the New Year had already passed, the festive atmosphere of the holiday permeated the Portable Abode. A layer of condensation formed on the gramophone's horn as rolling clouds of steam ceaselessly caressed the enormous locust head before it. Clang-clang-clang—tai! "Insect chief—" The wife sang the two words in a slow, drawn-out operatic cadence. Li Banfeng had never heard the term before. "What's an insect chief?" "One of the supreme leaders among Bug Cultivators, somewhat stronger even than a local spirit. Wait... this isn't an ordinary insect chief. Let your servant catch a whiff of its scent. It seems to have received an extraordinary fortune bestowed by someone else. "No mistake about it, none at all! It truly carries a blessing given by another. This is fine stuff—truly wondrous goods!" Upon the massive locust head, the antennae still twitched weakly. The bug appeared to still be alive, and it was terrified. As more and more droplets condensed on the horn, the wife could barely hold back her appetite, yet she remained somewhat wary of where this head had come from. "Oh, Husband, wherever did the head of this insect chief come from?" Li Banfeng spoke the honest truth. "The peddler sold it to me." "The peddler? Sold it to you?" The gramophone was incredulous. "How could the peddler possibly sell such a thing to you? Husband, you shouldn't make jokes like this." Li Banfeng looked displeased. "When have I ever joked about such things? The peddler really sold it to me. He asked for twenty, and I asked if he'd take fifteen. He agreed." Da-da-da—tai! Puff! Puff! The wife's grasp on reality began to slip; she suspected Li Banfeng was suffering from a bout of madness. "Husband, when you said fifteen and twenty just now, you didn't mean Huan Country notes, did you?" "It was Huan Country notes." "Did you mean fifteen and twenty billion? Could you even produce that much money?" Li Banfeng puffed out his chest. "Where would I get that kind of money? I spent fifteen bucks." Puff! Puff! A cloud of steam wrapped around Li Banfeng, saturated with the wife's tender affection. "Husband, we are husband and wife, bonded by deep and loving devotion, never harboring suspicions between us. It is merely that your servant's health has been frail, and we have yet to consummate our marriage. Please, Husband, do not hold it against me." Li Banfeng adopted a magnanimous expression and smiled faintly. "Actually, I do mind quite a bit. If we never consummate our marriage, how can we call ourselves a proper couple? But if you let me apply machine oil once a day, the matter isn't entirely off the table." As he spoke, Li Banfeng picked up the oil can and popped open the back cover of the casing. "Aiya, Husband~ Let's not speak of machine oil for now. This oil really is... no, no, not running short..." Though her singing drifted out of tune, the wife gritted her teeth and bore it. Catching her breath for a moment, she went on, "Husband, now that you've oiled me, let's talk about this insect chief in detail. Husband must not deceive your servant. Where on earth did this thing come from?" Li Banfeng grew annoyed. "I already told you, I bought it from the peddler. If you don't trust me, I'll just throw it out." Li Banfeng truly moved to toss it away, but the gramophone hurriedly stopped him. "Husband, this cannot be thrown away!" "Why can't it? It's just a fifteen-dollar item. Why make such a fuss over it?" "Don't be cross, Husband. You can oil me whenever you please. Don't be angry, your servant knows her fault~" Cajoling and pleading, the gramophone managed to coax Li Banfeng back down. The Tang dao chimed in from the side, "Mistress, I can bear witness for the master. It really was bought for fifteen dollars! The peddler even said it should be eaten fresh right away—it's great in porridge or stewed in soup!" "What soup? What porridge?" The gramophone thrust two phonograph needles directly into the locust's head. "Something this good must be eaten raw!" Hiss, hiss—hiss, hiss— The bronze lotus bloomed. It blossomed, dripping with dewdrops. It had been refining the Linli and the piece of Pan Dehai's heart-flesh, and the lotus seeds had not yet matured. Now, however, it suspended the refining process, and the vortex within its heart sent a breeze toward the locust head's antennae. "Red Lotus, are you craving it too? Don't be so impatient!" The gramophone was still struggling to maintain its restraint. "I still can't fathom what the peddler is planning." The liquor gourd nudged against Li Banfeng, wanting to offer an explanation, but she needed his permission first. Li Banfeng patted the gourd below its waist twice. "If you have something to say, say it. No need to be so restrained at home." The gourd said to the gramophone, "Big Sister, our little brother performed great service in eradicating the pests at Haichiling. This must be the peddler's reward for his merit." "Service..." What kind of merit could possibly warrant such a lavish reward? The wife knew little about the outside world. She had intended to press for details, but her overwhelming appetite made her abandon the thought. "Profit and loss, settled and even—that is indeed the peddler's nature. In that case, there's no need to worry! Aiya, sisters, ready your chopsticks!" The Tang dao shouted, "I'm ready too!" The gramophone shuddered and began to suck out the lingering soul and spirituality of the locust. The pendulum immediately rushed forward, pleading with the gramophone, "Madam, your servant has followed the master faithfully, taking the vanguard against the enemy without a shred of cowardice. Your servant cannot be denied her share of the reward!" With that, the pendulum darted in and sucked up a mouthful of the locust's brain matter. Furious, the gramophone drove the pendulum back with a blast of steam. "You insolent wench! I haven't even finished eating, and you dare reach in with your snout!" "'What comes and must not be lost is the time; what offers itself and must not be missed is the opportunity!'" The Tang dao charged forward, roaring, "The mistress rebukes you rightly! How could this wretched Hanxue have any right to step in? In every bloody battle, who else but me charges at the front!" The Tang dao was not greedy; it only wanted a single antenna. The gramophone refused, scorching the Tang dao until it turned red all over. The earring wept, "Lord, I have stayed by your side, serving you diligently without the slightest slack! My share of credit cannot be forgotten!" "It won't, it won't..." Li Banfeng comforted it. "This old man's heart grows cold! This old man is willing to change his rules and sincerely follow the master! Let this old man have a bite!" The teapot could bear it no longer. Sealed by the gramophone, it could not exert its power, but it forcefully endured the blistering steam, hoping to scramble up for a taste of the broth. The liquor gourd had been exercising restraint, but the gramophone saw through her thoughts anyway. "Little Sister, do you want a bite? Since you only consume flesh and blood, wait until I finish, and then you may come take your share. "Only by eating from the same table are we considered family. There is no need to be polite." The liquor gourd grew tense, uncertain whether the gramophone was extending a genuine invitation or testing her. She nudged against Li Banfeng. Li Banfeng smiled. "Go ahead and eat. Consider it our New Year's Eve dinner." Seeing that the gourd sought Li Banfeng's approval for every little thing, the wife paused for a moment before returning to suck at the locust's head. All the artifacts gathered in a circle, waiting for a lull in the feast between the wife and Red Lotus to dart in and scavenge some scraps. Vaguely, Li Banfeng caught a faint voice. "Give... me... a bite... just one bite..." Who was speaking? Li Banfeng searched for a long time, tracing the sound, before finally locating its source. The Judge's Brush. The Judge's Brush crafted by the Sloth Cultivator. Back when they encountered Pan Dehai's heart-flesh, it had wanted a piece; when they faced the Linli, it had wanted a bite as well. Yet it had been too lazy to speak. This time, confronted with the head of an insect chief, it truly could not resist and finally opened its mouth. Now that even the Judge's Brush had spoken, was an artifact still missing? Li Banfeng remembered. The folding fan given by Pan Dehai hadn't spoken, nor could it speak—it had already been refined by the bronze lotus. After all this time refining, why was there still no movement? Even if heart-flesh and the Linli were hard to digest, refining an artifact shouldn't take this long. Li Banfeng questioned the bronze lotus. The bronze lotus could not speak directly to him, so the gramophone explained as she ate, "Husband, you can't blame Red Lotus for this. She had already tidied up the folding fan, but the spirituality within was tricky to handle. "The fan's spirituality was utterly loyal to Pan Dehai. Though its mouth agreed to follow Husband, it harbored other designs. Pan Dehai must have left some trick inside. Even if re-refined, it would remain a treacherous, rebellious seed. "Red Lotus doesn't eat raw living things, and the spirituality of high-tier artifacts can be considered alive. Red Lotus handed the spirituality over to your servant, and your servant devoured it!" "Devoured it?" Li Banfeng frowned. "Then isn't the artifact ruined?" "One can't say it's completely ruined. The materials remain, and the materials of high-tier artifacts are exceedingly precious. In the future, if Husband encounters an obedient spirit, you can simply refine it anew. Sister Gourd, do you think this arrangement was suitable?" "Big Sister handled it splendidly. That is precisely how it should be dealt with." Another layer of cold sweat broke out across the gourd's surface. While the wife continued to absorb the spirituality, Red Lotus stirred up another vortex, sweeping across the insect chief's head. The pendulum and the Tang dao quietly crept closer to the severed head as well. The wife grew angry. "What is the matter with you all today? Disregarding the rules like this? Have you been possessed by hungry ghosts or what?" Gurgle, gurgle— The gramophone's water tank produced a strange rumbling sound, remarkably similar to an empty stomach growling. "Aiya! Why does your servant still feel hungry? This is far too abnormal. Husband, did you bring something back with you?" Li Banfeng took the worm out of his pocket. "Pan Dehai gave me this." "A Hungry Gut Silkworm!" The wife was astonished. "That old dog Pan Dehai—why did he give you this thing! No wonder the entire household was starving like this; it was this bug making trouble all along!" Li Banfeng said, "This is supposed to be a treasure." "A treasure it may be, but aside from Food Cultivators, it's of no use to anyone else!" "It can't be completely useless, can it? If all else fails, have Red Lotus refine it into an artifact." "This is an anomaly unique to Haichiling. An artifact refined from it would likely be of little practical use and require immense investment. Carrying it on your person would make you constantly crave food—a total burden." "Then refine it into pills." "It won't yield any good pills either. Eating them might turn you into a hungry ghost. In the end, you'd still have to sell them to a Food Cultivator. Besides, Red Lotus doesn't consume living things, so the worm's soul would have to be dealt with separately." "Then eat it yourself, Wife, to nourish your body." "Thank you for your tender care, Husband, but if your servant ate it, I wouldn't be nearly this genteel when hunger strikes. I'm afraid I'd devour whatever was in sight." Hearing her say that—as if she were ever genteel to begin with. Li Banfeng cracked open a can of food. "According to you, how should this be handled?" "Husband must not keep it at home any longer, or trouble will surely arise in time! Put a price on it and sell it quickly. If you find a Food Cultivator, you should be able to fetch a fine sum." The gramophone wasn't merely crying wolf. Judging by today's circumstances, several artifacts were showing signs of slipping out of control; even the Judge's Brush made by the Sloth Cultivator had spoken up. Chewing on the canned food, Li Banfeng said, "I can't keep carrying it around either. The canned goods at home are nearly wiped out." The gramophone puffed out a cloud of steam, encasing the Hungry Gut Silkworm. "I will trap it for now, but I cannot hold it for long. Husband should sell it as soon as possible." The atmosphere inside the Portable Abode remained lively. Even with the Hungry Gut Silkworm contained, the allure of the insect chief's head was still potent. Having consumed all the spirituality, the wife felt quite weary. The other artifacts each received a bit of a treat, and the lotus took the insect head into itself, ripples of light shimmering across its form. Li Banfeng left the Portable Abode, unfolded the map, and retraced his steps toward Yaowanggou according to Old Yao's route. The liquor gourd felt somewhat anxious. "Little Brother, I promise I won't speak out of turn to Old Yao once we're back. If you truly don't trust me, we don't have to go to Yaowanggou, though I still carry the covenant deed on me, so it would be best to give an accounting." Li Banfeng patted the gourd. "I trust you, and I trust Old Yao." ... Inside the Portable Abode, Red Lotus asked softly, "It seems that gourd couldn't quite fathom the madman's mind." Puff— "Indeed she couldn't. Even I can't always fathom what that madman is thinking." The gramophone yawned. Hiss, hiss— Red Lotus asked in a low voice, "Vile woman, are you close to recovering? You've eaten quite a lot of good things these past two days." Puff— "Wretch, have you eaten any less than me? You gave the pills to the madman, but didn't you keep the finest parts for yourself? "You've been chewing on that for so long; you must have amassed plenty of strength by now." Red Lotus sneered. "I'm merely picking up scraps from your mouth. If the day comes when you can leave this place, don't forget to take me along." Chhh, chhh— "The day you wish to leave, you had better notify me in advance, or don't blame me for ruining your plans." "Vile woman, do you think we could find a way out on our own?" Red Lotus stirred up a breeze, opening the door to the outer chamber, as though gazing at the front doors of the main house. "Didn't you try before? This is that madman's house. Without going through his hands, nobody leaves. If you refuse to accept it, try again." The gramophone yawned once more and drifted into a deep sleep. Red Lotus radiated a halo of light, hurrying its pill refining. It needed to make more pills for the madman to take. Red Lotus could sense that his Dwelling Cultivator rank was on the verge of advancing; if his journey cultivator cultivation failed to keep pace, the madman might lose his life. While refining the pills, Red Lotus glanced toward the doorway from time to time. Before escaping this place, it had to keep that madman alive.