If You Want to Leave, Just Leave!

"Eat when you're hungry." The Judge's Brush suddenly blurted out these words, then fell completely silent. Lacking the technique of Perceiving Spiritual Voices, the fortune teller could not hear the Judge's Brush, yet he sensed a slight shift in the room's atmosphere. A few beads of dew seemed to have gathered along the flare of the gramophone's horn. "Can't eat him, can't eat him," the gramophone murmured softly. "We still have to rely on this old thing to lead my husband out of the city." The wife was not starving for this single bite, so she promptly dismissed the notion. Li Banfeng, however, did not dismiss it. "My wife, eat him!" "Husband, we can't eat this person just yet..." "Hurry up and eat him." "If I eat him now, how will my husband ever..." Li Banfeng looked at the gramophone. "Are you not listening to me?" The gramophone pondered for a moment, and clouds of mist began billowing from its horn. The fortune teller was struck with terror. "What are you doing? Young man, don't you want to get out anymore? Do you want to be trapped in this city for the rest of your days? I can lead you out! I know the way out! I'll take—" *Bang!* Li Banfeng kicked the fortune teller. Stumbling forward, the fortune teller tumbled right up to the gramophone. A whirlwind surged from the wide horn, and the fortune teller's soul was swallowed down by the wife. No intact corpse remained on the floor, only a scattering of shredded flesh and blood. Li Banfeng looked at the Red Lotus. "Eat up!" The Red Lotus glanced down at the gory mess, but did not move her mouth to feast. She refused to consume vulgar things. Yet a cultivator's corpse was hardly vulgar. Could it be that this flesh and blood was never part of the fortune teller? Then what was the purpose of it? Merely a disguise to make the fortune teller appear more human? There was no need for that. Li Banfeng had been able to tell he was a ghost only because Li Banfeng possessed the technique of Golden Eyes Discerning the Minutest Detail. When ordinary people entered the City of Fools, everyone looked like normal human beings; they couldn't tell departed souls apart at all. Setting aside the use of the flesh and blood for the moment, what about its origin? If this flesh and blood was not part of the fortune teller, then it certainly hadn't grown from him either. He had gathered it from somewhere else. At that thought, a creeping chill ran down Li Banfeng's spine. The people from the inn had been hunting Li Banfeng relentlessly, and the fortune teller had stalked him just as closely. Their true objective had likely been his living flesh and blood. If Li Banfeng hadn't been in the habit of residing inside the Portable Abode, he would have undoubtedly met his end at the inn. That shopkeeper was a fourth-tier Fool Cultivator, bound to be vastly harder to deal with than this fortune teller. *There are plenty of other Fool Cultivators in the city, but why haven't they made a move on me?* *The plaster vendor, the idle onlookers, that auntie who gave me directions...* *That auntie!* She hadn't given him directions at all. She had told him to step inside her house for a bowl of water. If he had walked into her house, would that have been when she struck? Just as entering the inn had meant entering the shopkeeper's house, thereby giving him free rein to kill. The others couldn't kill him simply because he had never crossed their thresholds. Was this a rule of the City of Fools? Then why had the fortune teller tried to kill him? Had Li Banfeng entered his house? Yes, he had. The abandoned manor was his house. That fortune teller had been treacherous to the bone, cunningly coaxing him straight into his dwelling. Li Banfeng wrapped his arms around the gramophone and planted a kiss upon its large horn. "My wife, I've figured it all out! Don't you think I've gotten a lot smarter?" Not only had Li Banfeng's mind cleared considerably, but the wife had also sobered up a great deal. *Hiss, hiss—* "Goodness, husband, could your humble servant have fallen under his technique as well?" Dead silence fell over the Portable Abode. A few seconds later, the wife let out a furious roar, smoke spewing from all three of her horns at once. "A second-tier cultivator managed to ensnare this old lady in his technique?! What kind of bullshit is that?!" The Red Lotus did not mock the gramophone; just moments ago, even her own thoughts had been an incoherent muddle. The techniques of Fool Cultivators were truly formidable. Li Banfeng sat by the edge of the bed and fell into deep thought for a long while before settling on a crude and simple plan. "My wife, in a little bit I'll push the other gramophone outside and play a tune to lure departed souls into the house. The moment one walks in, I'll slam the door shut and hand them over to you for interrogation, until we squeeze out the way to leave the city." "Husband, getting them to talk is easy, but telling truth from falsehood is hard." "No need to tell. I'll catch another one and you can interrogate them as well. If their confessions match up, it proves they told the truth." *Hiss, hiss—* The wife puffed out a cloud of steam. "That is indeed a way." Li Banfeng wheeled the windmill gramophone out of the third room. Just as he was about to head out the door, he heard Mengde speak up: "Sir, it is time for you to sleep." "Sleep for what? You want to drag me into a dream again?" Mengde said with bashful humility, "In that battle just now, I contributed my share of effort too." Li Banfeng snapped angrily, "What effort did you contribute? You cursed that he was lacking virtue, and it ended up screwing me over! You call that helping out?!" Mengde hung his head, looking deeply aggrieved. "That was an unintentional slip." Seeing how irritated Li Banfeng was, the gramophone chimed in to soothe him: "Husband, eat a little something and rest for the night. You're exhausted too." Li Banfeng ate two cans of rations and lay down on the bed, drifting off to sleep amid Mengde's melodious singing. The gramophone turned toward the calendar poster and warned, "There will still be slaughter tomorrow, so don't give him any nightmares! You fought poorly today, but I will spare you from punishment. If there is a next time, I shall not be lenient." Mengde hurried to bow. "Thank you for your magnanimity, Madam." The Judge's Brush let out a snort. "Still too much." The gramophone blasted a jet of steam, scorching the Judge's Brush red. "What in the world is too much?!" "Hmph!" That blast of heat stung quite sharply, but the Judge's Brush could not be bothered to dodge, remaining sprawled right where it lay. *** That night, Li Banfeng arrived at Iron Sheep Mountain. The chief bandit Rong Yeguang was away, leaving only Lu Xiaolan to guard the mountain gates. Using the Portable Abode, Li Banfeng infiltrated the fortress, slew Lu Xiaolan, looted a hundred thousand silver dollars, and then set a blaze that burned the entire stronghold to the ground! "Bwahahaha!" Li Banfeng stood in the center of the flaming fortress, laughing like a madman. And then Li Banfeng woke up. Such a wonderful dream, ended just like that. He could hardly remember most of what had happened in it, but Li Banfeng knew it had been a magnificent dream. Meeting Li Banfeng's ferocious glare, Mengde trembled relentlessly inside the calendar poster. "Sir, you woke yourself up laughing in your dream! It really isn't my fault! Madam, please speak for me!" Li Banfeng wasn't in the mood to discipline Mengde anyway; he still needed to head out and capture departed souls. But the gramophone called him to a halt: "Husband, go ask the Judge's Brush. He seems to know how to deal with Fool Cultivators." *What way could he possibly have?* Still, he had indeed spoken up yesterday. Li Banfeng picked up the Judge's Brush and consulted him in earnest: "Brother Brush, if you have a way to leave the city, please tell me. Surely you don't want to remain trapped in this place either." The Judge's Brush took a long time stirring up the inclination to express himself, but was honestly too lazy to speak. Guessing it couldn't be explained in just a sentence or two, Li Banfeng changed his question: "Tell me first, will my plan work?" "Too much," the Judge's Brush uttered, offering only two words. Li Banfeng did not take offense. He carefully weighed the meaning of those words. "Do you mean I'm thinking too much, or doing too much?" "Both." "How is it too much?" "A ruthless figure is watching." *What ruthless figure?* "Do you have a simpler way?" "*Sigh.*" The Judge's Brush let out a breath. After waiting for over two minutes, he voiced four words: "A fool's thousand deliberations..." Li Banfeng was familiar with this idiom: *In a thousand deliberations of a fool, there is bound to be one gain.* "Wait, by that logic, I haven't thought enough." The Judge's Brush conveyed an unspeakable helplessness. After another two minutes, he spoke four more words: "Worrying about gains and losses." *A fool's thousand deliberations, worrying about gains and losses?* What kind of nonsense idiom was that supposed to be? "Brother Brush, I don't understand." The Judge's Brush said in resignation, "If you want to leave the city, just go." "I can't walk out! If I could just walk out, why would I waste all this effort?!" The gramophone grew impatient. "Husband, it's my fault. Don't question him anymore; let us attend to proper business." Li Banfeng had just wheeled the windmill gramophone to the doorway when he suddenly heard the Judge's Brush speak: "Dense fool, return my capital!" He had reeled off so many words all at once that Li Banfeng failed to register what was happening. What capital? *Damn it!* Back in Baiman Valley, the Judge's Brush had moved Qiu Daxiang away, hauling him over two li. He had always been too lazy to claim back his capital, but now he had suddenly brought it up. He had exerted tremendous effort back then; if that debt were called in, Li Banfeng would be struck with indolence for a good long time. What was he supposed to do now? "Brother Brush, let's discuss this! Wait until I get out of the City of Fools before—" Too late. Midway through his sentence, Li Banfeng was too lazy to keep talking. The Judge's Brush had already reclaimed his capital. Li Banfeng looked back at his bed. He desperately wanted to lie down. *Why sit when you can lie down?* *No, I can't lie down.* *Once I lie down, there's no telling how long I'll stay there.* The key was still outside. During yesterday's brawl with the fortune teller, Li Banfeng had tossed it aside in the abandoned manor. Leaving it out in the courtyard wasn't a solution either. Fool Cultivators were so deceitful; if that fellow had accomplices, someone might come along and pick it up. No matter what, he had to step out and look; at the very least, he had to hide the key somewhere else. *That bastard of a Judge's Brush, insisting on demanding his capital today! I fucking...* Forget it. Too lazy to teach him a lesson. Gritting his teeth, Li Banfeng pushed open the door and glanced back at the windmill gramophone. Push it out? Why push it? It was so heavy. Li Banfeng simply walked out empty-handed, too lazy to carry a single magical treasure. Stepping out the door, Li Banfeng picked up the key and immediately felt like heading back inside to lie down. No, he had to find a place for the key first. Was there any good spot in this manor? Since he had to guard against the fortune teller's accomplices, he certainly couldn't hide the key within the manor. Let's step outside and look; perhaps there was a good spot out there. Leaving the manor gates, Li Banfeng looked around. It was quite open outside, offering no decent place to hide a key. *Why do I keep obsessing over hiding the key?* *Didn't I want to leave the city?* *This road is fairly wide. If I just keep walking forward, won't I be able to leave the city?* *How could things be so easy? I haven't been able to get out for two whole days. How could wandering aimlessly get me out?* Forget it, let's go back and lie down. Looking back at the abandoned manor behind him, Li Banfeng hesitated again. Since he was already out, he was too lazy to head back. Not going back meant continuing forward? That sounded pretty exhausting too. How about we just lie down right here on the ground? *** Li Banfeng's willpower proved sturdy enough. Resisting the urge to collapse onto the dirt and fall asleep, he trudged forward along the alley. *Get out of the city. I want to get out of the city!* After walking for a while, the alley turned a corner. *To leave the city, I should move in a straight line. Should I climb over the wall?* Forget it, climbing walls was too tiring. A little bend was nothing. Let's just follow this road. Plodding forward in a daze, Li Banfeng focused entirely on combating his lethargy, letting his mind go completely blank. Passing through the alley, he emerged onto a wide street. An old woman ahead called out, "Child, are you lost? Come to Auntie's place and have a bowl of water." *Still trying to trick me into drinking water? Don't you have anything new?* Li Banfeng walked on without a word. He was too lazy to speak. Before long, he spotted the plaster vendor again: "This is my ancestral secret formula, effective in a single application! Hey, friend, you've used my plaster before—tell them, does it work or not? Friend, give us a word! If it doesn't work, I'll compensate you ten thousand! Let's go to my house right now to fetch the money!" *Your medicine works like my ass!* *Go to your house for money, step across your threshold, and let you kill me?* *You think I'll fall for your tricks?* Li Banfeng was too lazy to pay him any mind. Up ahead stood a street performer who rubbed a sheet of blank paper between his hands, turning it into a dove that fluttered away with a flap of its wings. The performer called out toward Li Banfeng, "I've got two tricks here, friend. Care to learn? If you do, spare a couple of coins just for fun. If you don't, give a round of applause to cheer the show along!" Li Banfeng was too lazy to look at him. Walking a bit further, a man dressed as a physician approached with a medicine box slung over his shoulder. "Friend, you have a mole on your face that brings misfortune to your parents. Let me remove it for you—only a dime." Li Banfeng was too lazy to even curse at him. *I don't even know who my parents are, and you're spouting this crap to me.* *** The breakfast vendor ahead seemed to recognize him. Did he need to take a detour around him? So what if he had seen him? Taking a detour was too much effort. No detours! Further ahead was Youlai Inn. Surely he had to detour around it this time? No detours! It was precisely because he had kept making blind detours that he could never find the city gates! He refused to believe that gang from the inn was keeping their eyes glued on him around the clock! Even if they were watching him constantly, there was nothing to fear. If he could beat them, he would fight; if not, he would run. What was the point of detouring! Walking like this for over two hours, Li Banfeng looked up and discovered he had arrived at the city gate. Out? Just like that, he was out? Without thinking about a single thing, he had walked right out! This was simply too... Forget it, it was no big deal. Li Banfeng was too lazy to feel pleased. He decided to break into a mad sprint and leave this place at once. After hesitating for a moment, Li Banfeng abandoned the idea. Can't run. Too tiring. Let's walk slowly. His wife had said that only one pathway in the world could counter Fool Cultivators, yet was powerless to wage war against them. Could that pathway be Sloth Cultivators? Could "powerless to wage war" have been meant literally? Not because Sloth Cultivators couldn't win, but because they were too lazy to fight? Was that truly how it was? Li Banfeng was too lazy to think. After walking for more than ten li, he saw a middle-aged man standing ahead. Li Banfeng was too lazy to look at him, yet felt the man appeared somewhat familiar. Who was it? Sun Tiecheng! The hunter! That son of a bitch! He had wanted to go to Iron Sheep Mountain, and this man had brought him to the City of Fools! And once inside the city, you fucking brought me straight to a crooked inn! I suffered through this ordeal entirely because of you, and you still dare to wait for me here! "You..." Li Banfeng glared at Sun Tiecheng, then kept right on trudging. Too lazy to settle scores with him. Sun Tiecheng still wore that simple, honest facade. He called out to stop Li Banfeng: "Good sir, trouble you to come over and have a word." "No." Li Banfeng was too lazy to speak. "Li Seven, you passed my trial." *He knows my name is Li Seven!* *What trial is he talking about?* Li Banfeng was too lazy to ask. "Li Seven, don't be in such a hurry to leave! I have something good to give you!" Li Banfeng was too lazy to want it. "Li Seven, halt your steps!" Sun Tiecheng produced a bed from who-knows-where and set it down right in front of Li Banfeng. This was fucking sinister! Do you think I'll fall for your trick? After struggling for a brief moment, Li Banfeng collapsed onto the bed, let out a yawn, and said, "Speak." *** PS: Eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're sleepy, rest when you're tired, and if you want to leave the city, just walk on out! Sloth Cultivators are just that pure.