Catching a Thief with the Goods

Feather duster in hand, Li Banfeng searched high and low through the Portable Abode. Not in the main room. Not in Room Two either. When he reached Room Three, he found the Tang dao resting against the door frame, sound asleep, with several tattered rags lying beside it. The Tang dao was exceedingly fond of cleanliness, always wiping its blade down with rags whenever it had nothing else to do. Li Banfeng swept his eyes over Room Three, then shut the door and turned away. The moment he did, one of the "rags" beside the Tang dao moved without a sound. It was no rag. It was the glove, coated in dirt and grease to keep itself thoroughly inconspicuous. Stretching out two fingers, it crawled slowly across the floor, aiming to slip inside a storage trunk. Li Banfeng shoved the door open with a crash, raised the feather duster, and thrashed the glove mercilessly. "Don't hit me! Don't hit me!" the glove shrieked. "To catch a thief, you have to catch him with the goods! Without proof or evidence, you can't just beat people!" Even as it screamed, it bolted for the door, dashed into the main room, and was promptly enveloped in steam, scalded half to death. In sheer desperation, the glove scrambled toward the front doors of the Portable Abode. After struggling fruitlessly around the crack for a long time, it failed to squeeze through. Unless Li Banfeng carried it on his person, no one could enter or leave the Portable Abode as they pleased. Utterly despairing, the glove curled into a ball and wailed, "You can't hit me anymore! If you really beat someone to death, all of you will end up facing charges in court!" Li Banfeng pointed the feather duster at it. "Where's my wallet?" "Who knows where your wallet went? Do I owe you something? Am I supposed to keep an eye on it for you every single day?" The glove dug in its heels, refusing to confess. Yet Li Banfeng was certain it was the culprit. He had always harbored doubts about the glove's pathway. It moved swiftly, but there was a distinct difference between it and a journey cultivator—its movements and footwork in particular were noticeably far more bizarre. When confronting danger, a journey cultivator relied on speed and adaptability, whereas the glove depended far more on technique and acute perception. That reminded Li Banfeng of a pathway he loathed with a passion: Thief Cultivator. He had suffered at the hands of a Thief Cultivator back in Lüshui City, and running into that mugger earlier had brought the memory of that encounter flooding right back. "Refusing to own up, are you? Then I'll let A-Lian entertain you!" Li Banfeng picked up the glove by a finger and turned toward Room Six. "Broad daylight! The clear blue sky!" the glove yelled at the top of its lungs. "How can you frame me like this?! I really didn't take your wallet! I didn't take it—I just picked it up off the ground!" Dangling the glove in the air, Li Banfeng asked, "Then tell me clearly: where did you pick it up?" "I picked it up from inside your clothes!" "Isn't that fucking stealing?!" Li Banfeng swung the feather duster and delivered another savage beating. "Of all the things in this world, there's nothing I hate more than thievery! A real man acts openly and aboveboard. If we're short on cash, we go out and rob someone fair and square! Why stoop to something as dirty as stealing?!" The glove scampered wildly on all five fingers, darting left and right, before spitting Li Banfeng's wallet out from its belly. "Stop hitting me! Stop hitting me! To catch a thief, you have to catch him with the goods! Without proof or evidence, what right do you have to beat people?!" Li Banfeng kept thrashing it. "The wallet is sitting right there, and you still dare say I have no proof or evidence?" "I have something to say!" the glove cried out. "I wasn't after your petty change! I just wanted to show you what I'm made of!" "What are you made of?" Li Banfeng lowered his hand. Using its thumb and pinky finger as legs to stand upright, its index and ring fingers folded over each other like crossed arms, and its middle finger raised as a head, the glove swayed before Li Banfeng and said, "Your cultivation isn't low, and your magic treasures carry serious weight. Take that gramophone, for instance—one glance tells you it's no ordinary item..." With a smack of the feather duster, Li Banfeng knocked the glove flat to the floor. "Speak properly. No sticking up your middle finger. "And another thing: the gramophone is my wife, not a magic treasure. From now on, you address her as Madam." The glove retracted its middle finger, replaced it with its index finger as a head, wobbled back onto its feet, and continued, "Let's set aside the wife for a moment and talk about cultivation. "Since your cultivation isn't low, you ought to recognize how brilliant my skills are! When I stole that wallet from you, you didn't notice a thing. That is real ability! "From now on, keep me on your person, and whatever item you want from your opponent, I can snatch it right back for you. "Especially against powerful foes—things you can see, I can take; things you can't see, I can take too! "After two exchanges, you'll have seized the other side's magic treasure. How could you possibly lose a fight like that? With tricks this extraordinary, shutting me up in this house is burying my talents, isn't it?" Li Banfeng shook his head. "It's not burying talent. At most, it's a waste of raw material." The glove scoffed, thoroughly displeased with his choice of words. Li Banfeng asked, "So that means you're of the Thief Cultivator pathway, not a journey cultivator." The glove wagged its index finger slightly. "I don't care for the term 'Thief Cultivator.' I consider myself a journey cultivator. "People on our pathway have to switch places all the time, constantly moving around when there's nothing else to do. Stay in one place too long, and you easily get caught. Isn't that just like a journey cultivator?" "Bullshit!" Hong Ying snarled in fury. "You miserable wretch, who the fuck is like you? You thieving bastard, looking to die!" The long spear's overwhelming aura terrified the glove so badly that its posture crumbled, flattening itself onto the floor as it screamed, "To catch a thief, you have to catch him with the goods! You don't have proof, so what right do you have to hit people?!" Li Banfeng frowned. "Why did you blurt that out again?" Scrambling up from the floor, the glove struck its posture once more and wagged its finger head. "Whenever I got beaten in the past, I'd say that. Force of habit." Li Banfeng nodded. "So, does this mean you're genuinely willing to follow me?" The glove nodded. "A worthy minister chooses a master to serve; a fine bird chooses a tree to roost in. I see your character is sound, so charging into battle in the future will be child's play." "You probably told Wu Decheng the exact same thing, didn't you?" Wu Decheng, elder of the Pure Observance Society and the glove's former master. It was precisely because the glove had refused to obey at the critical moment that Old Wu never got so much as a single opportunity to strike back. The glove shook its head. "Old Wu's character was far worse than yours. With him, it was purely playing along." Li Banfeng chuckled and nodded. "And with me, it's genuine devotion?" "Without a doubt!" "All magic treasures in this world come with a cost. Speak up: what's the cost of using you?" The glove tapped its ring finger against the table, putting on the airs of a big shot in negotiations. "Speaking of cost is being too distant. Since we hit it off so well, we ought to show some camaraderie. "Whatever you want, I'll fetch for you; afterward, just permit me to take one thing from you in return. "Rest assured, it doesn't have to be anything terribly valuable. If you profit, you can't leave your brother taking a heavy loss either, right? Giving me a little remuneration is only proper." Li Banfeng brandished the feather duster and asked, "Can you make yourself a bit clearer?" "Let me give you an example. Suppose you take me into a fight, and I steal a magic treasure worth a hundred thousand silver dollars for you. "Later on, I take twenty thousand silver dollars from you. That wouldn't be excessive, would it?" Li Banfeng nodded. "Not excessive." The glove went on, "Sometimes what I take might not be silver dollars; it could be something else. "Gold, silver, gemstones, calligraphy, paintings, antiques, and the like. In any case, the price won't exceed what I stole for you. I certainly won't let you get the short end of the stick!" Li Banfeng nodded. "Aside from those things, there's probably more, isn't there? Might you occasionally take a magic treasure or two from me?" "Well... not necessarily..." The glove's voice grew faint; Li Banfeng had struck a nerve. Li Banfeng pressed on, "Could it be that sometimes you take things off my body—a heart, a liver, arms, legs, eyeballs, and the like?" "Usually not..." The glove's voice grew even fainter. Li Banfeng continued, "And if the price is right, could you take my life as well?" The glove let out a sigh. "How am I supposed to answer that..." Splash! Li Banfeng dumped a splash of hot tea over the glove, scalding it until it shrieked in agony. "Catching a thief requires the goods! Even if you caught the thief with the goods, you have to go through the authorities! You can't use torture!" Li Banfeng turned to the gramophone. "Wife, give him a proper thrashing. Teach him the rules of our household first." The glove tried to flee, only to be hemmed in by the old teapot's barrier. The old teapot offered earnest, heartfelt advice: "Brother, you need to change this rule about your cost." The glove wagged its finger. "This rule cannot be changed! It's the very foundation of my existence!" "Brother, I used to think the same way. But after being disciplined for months, I stopped thinking like that. The outcome is the same either way, so why go looking for suffering?" The glove scoffed. "Men are not all alike, nor are gloves and teapots the same! I am no spineless coward!" Resigned, the teapot poured another pot of hot tea over it. The wife chuckled, sending a blast of steam rushing forward. Half an hour later. All of the glove's fingers lay flat on the floor, save for a single index finger struggling to stand erect, trembling as it said to Li Banfeng, "Master, what are your orders?" Li Banfeng said, "Working for me, it's only right that I give you some compensation. But that isn't for you to decide. Whatever I give you, you take. Do you understand?" The glove nodded repeatedly. "Whatever Master says, I will do. From now on, I will obey your every word." "Words alone are no proof," Li Banfeng said. "Let's draw up a covenant deed!" Normally, a covenant deed existed between a magic treasure and its master, but Li Banfeng had trusted the treasures under his care and never demanded one from them. The glove, however, was an exception. This item was high in tier and full of cunning; proper precautions were mandatory. A covenant deed was simple enough to draft. The liquor gourd had executed one back with Old Yao, settling the matter in a few brief sentences—the crux being that the magic treasure could never betray its master. The glove read through it thoroughly twice, though whether it could spot any loopholes remained to be seen. It picked up a fountain pen from the table, preparing to sign, but Li Banfeng snatched the pen away and set down an inkpad instead. "Don't go fabricating some fake name to dupe me. Press your handprint!" Looking at the inkpad, the glove showed deep reluctance. "Once this stuff gets on me, it's awful to wash off!" "I have ways to wash it off for you," Li Banfeng said with a chuckle. "Stop wasting time. Press it down, quick." The gramophone remained uneasy and cautioned him, "Husband, this glove is far too wicked. It would be best to keep it disciplined at home for a while. There will be plenty of time to take it outside once you advance to the sixth tier." *My darling wife, if only you knew—your husband has long since surpassed the sixth tier.* *With an eleventh-tier cultivation, could your husband possibly fail to keep a single magic treasure in check?* *** Inside the Lu family mansion, Duan Shaohong was still dabbing tears before Duan Shaoxia. "Sister, have some pity on your older sister! Just let me take Huaiyi away!" Duan Shaoxia kept a grim face, saying nothing. She had grown sick of Duan Shaohong's incessant whining, and she especially loathed seeing her carry on like that in front of "Zhang Huaiyi." Monkey Qiu entered the main hall, and Duan Shaoxia quickly changed the subject. "Xiao Qiu, has the date for the banquet been set?" Duan Shaoxia had already learned of Lu Maoxian's severe injuries, and she felt this was the perfect opportunity to host the banquet. Qiu Zhiheng replied, "Madam, we can discuss the banquet in a moment. Miss Dongchun has arrived." Duan Shaoxia froze. "Lu Dongchun? What is she doing here?" "She has come to discuss the matter of the Old Master with you." Duan Shaoxia waved her hand dismissively. "I won't see her. She's utterly revolting!"