The Oil Can

"My husband, the essential knack of the Benevolent Dwelling Heart technique lies in picturing your own residence in your mind, allowing your body to become solid and heavy." Picturing the residence and making his body solid and heavy... This chain of association was somewhat complicated. The wife adjusted the angle of the firelight, projecting a photograph of a grand manor house onto the wall. "A superior residence prizes solidity and thickness. In ordinary times, it shelters from wind and rain; in times of war, it repels outside foes. Whether facing a dragon's pool, a tiger's den, a mountain of daggers, or a sea of flames, every peril remains beyond the walls. So long as a Dwelling Cultivator remains within the residence, they fear nothing." Li Banfeng felt this deeply. For a Dwelling Cultivator, as long as they were inside their own house, they wouldn't feel afraid even if they were drifting through the cosmos. The gramophone continued, "My husband, picture yourself in the shape of your dwelling. Gather all of its solidity and heaviness into your own body, making your form indestructible." He could understand the concept, but for Li Banfeng, it posed a problem. He had no way of imagining his residence—he had never seen the overall shape of the Portable Abode. What was he supposed to do? Ignore what the Portable Abode actually looked like and just imagine a sturdy manor? Li Banfeng tried twice, but his body didn't change in the slightest. The gramophone reminded him, "My husband, you must picture our home. Picturing some house outside is completely useless." It strictly had to be his own dwelling. What if he imagined a steam train? Come to think of it, a steam train was quite sturdy, too. Li Banfeng tried several times and indeed felt a slight change in his body, as though a layer of heavy iron armor had been folded over his skin. This time, it seemed to have worked. With this coat of iron plating, his defensive strength shot straight up. After a few more attempts, he felt he was executing the technique with great fluency. "Wife, I've got the hang of it now. I'm going out to buy groceries." Li Banfeng moved toward the door, only to be blocked by a hiss of steam. "Don't be in such a hurry, my husband. First allow this servant to test you." A test sounded fine. Li Banfeng tried to anticipate the trajectory of the stylus's attack. Having spent so much time together, he had a fair sense of his wife's habits in combat. Besides, this was just a sparring session between husband and wife; she certainly wouldn't strike with lethal intent. There was no need to worry about vital points—she would most likely give him a prick somewhere harmless... *Whoosh!* Li Banfeng was scalded bright red from head to toe by her steam. "Oh, my husband, this servant only used ten percent of her strength and you couldn't withstand it at all. You didn't bring forth the technique in the slightest." Li Banfeng stood silent for a long moment, then said, "I thought you were going to prick me with the stylus. Who knew you'd scald me with steam?" The gramophone gave a sneer. "Oh, my husband, are you still making excuses? This servant spoke of a life-or-death strike, but never promised to use an edged weapon." Li Banfeng tickled the gramophone's armpit. "My precious wife, you've gone bad." The gramophone giggled for a good while. "Stop fooling around, my husband, and learn the technique properly." His wife had a point. When clashing in battle, it was impossible to predict what tricks an opponent might employ. Hardness alone was not enough; he needed fireproofing, heat resistance, corrosion resistance... Every possible angle had to be accounted for. Li Banfeng settled his mind, contemplating every detail. After half an hour of deliberation, he said to the gramophone, "I'm ready this time. Go ahead, wife, strike as you please." The gramophone nodded. "My husband's posture looks quite good. You've truly manifested the technique, but it may not be of any use." Li Banfeng couldn't make sense of that. "If I've manifested it, how can you say it's useless?" "Oh, my husband, allow this servant to give an analogy." The gramophone cleared its throat, and gongs and drums suddenly crashed into life. *"Noble, righteous qi surges to the heavens, startling the cold, glistening stars awake!"* An excerpt from the Peking opera *The Battle of Red Cliffs*, "Heroic Farewell." With a loud thud, Li Banfeng collapsed to the floor. The technique truly hadn't helped. Li Banfeng had forgotten to soundproof himself. That rendition of "Heroic Farewell" was sung with such ringing force that Li Banfeng shook all over, breaking out in a cold sweat. If his wife had put even a fraction more power into it, both his ears would have been deafened completely. Once he calmed down, Li Banfeng panted for a long while before declaring, "Let's go again!" "Oh, my husband, we cannot do it again today. Try stirring your intent—you will find you have no strength left to draw upon." Li Banfeng tried once more to picture himself as a steam train, but this time his body felt no change at all. "The Benevolent Dwelling Heart technique can only be used once a day. You failed to manifest it the first time and only barely managed the second. Until tomorrow, don't even think of using it again." Li Banfeng refused to accept this. Looking at the gramophone, he said, "Wife, you know me. Two or three times is nothing to me." The gramophone laughed. "My husband, don't force yourself. Get some rest first." *Telling me I'm forcing myself...* In a flare of irritation, Li Banfeng pulled out the oil can. The gramophone began to tremble. "Oh, my husband, darling husband, this servant meant no mockery! This servant truly wished for you to rest. It was my loose tongue, can't you accept that this servant knows her fault? Be gentler, my husband, aim carefully..." His wife's voice grew muffled. Hong Ying sneered from the side. "That madman poked the wrong spot again! Hurt that wicked woman to death!" *** Inside the Paramount, at the center of the grand dance floor, Lu Dongtang, the eldest son of Lu Maoxian, held a cup of tea in both hands and presented it to Lu Chunying before the entire clan, young and old alike. Lu Maoxian's vendetta had been settled by Lu Chunying, a daughter of the main branch. By the rules of the Lu family, Lu Maoxian was required to serve tea and offer his thanks. Lu Maoxian had excused himself by claiming his injuries were unhealed and kept him bedridden, sending his eldest son, Lu Dongtang, to offer the tea in his stead. Lu Chunying had readily accepted. Today was a grand occasion, attended by a great crowd. Even Duan Shaoxia, the mistress of the main branch, had made an appearance. Lu Chunying took the tea bowl from Lu Dongtang's hands, took a sip, and set it aside. She looked at Lu Dongtang for a moment, then had someone bring another cup of tea. "You are my elder, Uncle Dongtang. Allow me to offer this cup to you." Lu Chunying held the cup out to Lu Dongtang. There was no obligation for Lu Chunying to return the courtesy, but this had been arranged by Monkey Qiu to display the magnanimity befitting a daughter of the main branch. Lu Dongtang's face turned purplish-blue. He drank the tea and returned to his seat. No matter how humiliated he felt, he had to sit through it. He wasn't the only one suffering; his whole family shared his distress. Lu Dongtang's youngest daughter, Lu Yuanju, nearly ground her teeth to dust. She was slightly older than Lu Chunying. Yesterday, upon learning that her father would have to offer tea and thanks to a little slip of a girl, Lu Yuanju had been too furious to sleep all night. She had long prepared to seek vengeance. Though she had not yet entered a pathway, she was familiar with many of its rules. She knew that for an ordinary person, attempting to cultivate three pathways simultaneously meant certain death. Deducing from this principle, she had devised a clever scheme to deal with Lu Chunying. She had prepared three kinds of medicinal powders to throw all at once over Lu Chunying as soon as the banquet dispersed! *By seniority, I am her elder sister. She will never suspect me.* *Afterward, I will simply claim that I wanted to enter a pathway myself, hadn't decided on a powder yet, and accidentally spilled them on that girl.* Lu Yuanju looked at Lu Dongtang's dark expression and secretly clenched her fists. *Father!* *Don't be sad!* *I will take the blame for offending the main branch in your place!* *Let's see what the main branch can do to me!* Two hours later, the banquet came to an end. Lu Chunying was still exchanging pleasantries with the various Lu family relatives. "Miss Chunying, I truly admire you! We waited an entire night without even catching sight of the man, yet the moment you stepped in, you took care of him!" Lu Chunying offered a modest smile. "At my tender age and with so little cultivation, it was all thanks to the efforts of our elders." Neither claiming credit nor growing arrogant, while subtly hinting at the backing behind her—Lu Chunying's measured tone pleased Monkey Qiu immensely. The crowd chimed in with approval. "Miss Chunying is both brave and resourceful, and so gracious to boot! If you ever need anything in the future, just give the word; our entire household answers to the main branch." Outside the Paramount, a car was waiting by the entrance. Just as Lu Chunying was about to get in, someone called from behind, "Sister Chunying, wait! I have something for you." Lu Chunying turned around to find Lu Yuanju. "Sister Yuanju, what is it?" Lu Yuanju reached into her shoulder bag. "A friend brought back a couple of necklaces from the Outer States. The craftsmanship is supposed to be quite fine. They brought two in total, so I'm giving one to you." "Really?" Lu Chunying's eyes went wide as she stared at Lu Yuanju's bag, while her right hand quietly drew the folding fan from her waist. Lu Yuanju seized three pouches of powder, pulled them out violently, and threw them straight at Lu Chunying. Lu Chunying had been prepared all along. Tapping her toes against the ground, she skipped back a few paces, dodging the cloud of dust. Snapping her folding fan open, she waved it vigorously back and forth toward Lu Yuanju. All three powders drifted onto Lu Yuanju's face. Howling in agony, Lu Yuanju rolled across the ground. Monkey Qiu shielded Lu Chunying behind him, while Tan Fucheng stared in astonishment at Lu Yuanju, asking in a low whisper, "What kind of medicine did she just throw?" Monkey Qiu was equally shocked. "It looks like initiation powder." Tan Fucheng couldn't understand. "Why would she throw that?" Monkey Qiu was baffled as well. Lu Chunying said, "She probably wanted to coat me in multiple initiation powders to kill me." Tan Fucheng frowned. "Who came up with such a rotten idea for her? An uninitiated white lamb like her trying to throw powder onto a cultivator? If she actually had the skill to splash powder on someone, wouldn't throwing two jin of real poison have been better?" Lu Dongtang rushed outside. Seeing his daughter covered in powders, he hastily ordered people to call a doctor. The doctor took one look at Lu Yuanju and showed little desire to touch her—the powder burned terribly if it got onto one's hands. Lu Chunying asked Tan Fucheng, "Brother Tan, is she cultivating three pathways at once now?" Tan Fucheng chuckled. "Cultivating three pathways my foot! Does she even have the foundation for that? She doesn't even meet the foundation for a single pathway. What good does rubbing powder on herself do?" Seeing that Lu Yuanju had stopped thrashing, Lu Chunying asked, "She won't die, will she?" Tan Fucheng shook his head. "Hard to say. Initiation medicine damages the body, and three at once causes severe injury. If she had tier-one cultivation, she might have endured it, but she hasn't even entered a pathway, yet she smeared on that much. Even if she survives, she'll end up a cripple. What on earth was she thinking?" Lu Dongtang had his men carry Lu Yuanju away, just as Duan Shaoxia emerged from the Paramount. "Chunying, you handled today's affairs with great dignity, bringing honor to Dongliang." Duan Shaoxia heaped praise on Lu Chunying, her eyes filled with maternal affection. Lu Chunying quickly bowed. "Thank you for the praise, Mistress." Duan Shaoxia smiled. "What a sensible child. Zhiheng, don't let Chunying live outside anymore. Have her move back home." Qiu Zhiheng glanced at Lu Chunying without saying a word. Lu Chunying bowed to Duan Shaoxia once more. "Mistress, I have been stepping up my cultivation these past few days. Please allow me to postpone moving for a little while." She neither agreed nor refused. Her sense of propriety was judged to perfection. Duan Shaoxia nodded repeatedly, continuing to praise Lu Chunying without end, though an unnoticed streak of red burst through the whites of her eyes. Lu Chunying never raised her head, keeping her gaze strictly away from Duan Shaoxia's eyes. *** Li Banfeng sat inside the Portable Abode in low spirits. He had sparred with his wife for two full days, and he hadn't won a single time. The gramophone sighed. "My husband, why don't we stop sparring? The Benevolent Dwelling Heart technique takes time to polish." It truly did need polishing. His wife's offensive methods were wildly unpredictable, constantly catching Li Banfeng off guard in ways he hadn't foreseen. On the rare occasion that Li Banfeng managed to think of nearly everything, his preparations weren't even complete before a blast of steam left him scalded bright red. "My husband, when facing an enemy in battle, life and death are decided in an instant. If your preparations take an hour, that simply will not do." Li Banfeng looked at the gramophone and smiled. The gramophone gave a shudder, thinking Li Banfeng was about to apply engine oil again. Li Banfeng didn't fetch the oil. He wanted to go out for a walk. Having stayed home for two days, his journey cultivator training had fallen behind. Furthermore, Li Banfeng wanted to go out and shoot some footage to prepare for the next time he used the projector. The gramophone broke into a cold sweat. At the side, Hong Ying laughed. "Who would have thought this madman would spare you? Last night while he was asleep, I still heard him shouting, 'Oil can, oil can!'" Li Banfeng stepped out the door. The moment his foot came down, his entire body plunged into a slippery, bottomless abyss. Slick... What was this slick substance? Is this... oil? A massive rush of grease surged relentlessly into his mouth, nose, and eyes. *Did I fall into a vat of boiling oil?* Li Banfeng kicked with all his might, swimming upward through the oily fluid until he broke the surface. He looked around. There was dry land, a shoreline, and even a small island. This wasn't a pot of oil. It was a lake—a lake completely full of oil. *How did I end up here?*