Something's Off

Yaxiu felt that things had been getting stranger and stranger lately. Granted, the city of Fanmula was bizarre to begin with—or rather, Yaxiu had never been anywhere normal. Going into the Void Realm meant running into an Amnesia Funhouse, and staying in a Veela's home meant worrying about nighttime ambushes draining him dry. Yet the weirdness lately was of the sort akin to waking up one morning to find your male roommate had turned into a girl. First came waking up. Since he couldn't enter the Void Realm recently, Yaxiu could only get a solid night's sleep. Yet every time he woke, he found an extra slice of cake in his room. The variety changed every day—red velvet, Black Forest, White Forest, and mousse in rotation—leaving Yaxiu to wonder whether the Sennheisers were trying to fatten him up like a Lalafell before eating him. No one else seemed to receive this treatment; cakes sprouted daily in his room alone. Something was off. Next was Lisi. Yaxiu noticed his Advanced Substitutes were being depleted faster and faster. Every time, Lisi claimed she wasn't doing much of anything, yet she was burning through nearly three Substitutes a day. Yaxiu even began to suspect she was using them to carry out forbidden human experiments. Something was very off. The young miss was acting strange as well. Whenever Yaxiu crossed paths with Annan in the cafeteria, she would cheerfully pat his shoulder, head, rear, and so on. In short, she seemed awfully fond of physical contact with him, behaving as if they were dear friends when their relationship was clearly just that of a lamppost and a wage slave. Something was extremely off. On top of that, Yaxiu felt as though every female he met was smitten with him. When he bought a beverage at the dining hall, the young siren lady would intentionally tickle his palm. When he played games in the gaming pod, the young lady attendant would come by every hour to remind him to rest, hydrate, and eat snacks; whenever Yaxiu was too engrossed in playing, she simply fed him by hand. There were countless other instances just like that, prompting Yaxiu to check his status information over and over to make sure his profession was still "Everlasting Walker / Unemployed Idler," and not something like "Walking Hormone," "Legendary Mud Worker of the Mud Cafe," or "Humanoid Hypnosis Spray." Although Yaxiu considered himself reasonably good-looking, he was still a far cry from Igola's Pizza Hut tier of charm capable of bewitching men, women, young, and old alike. Yet his current popularity was practically rivaling gold coins. Could it be that the Sennheisers were particularly into his brand of haggard, world-weary corporate drone look? Still, the feeling of being pampered like the center of the universe was genuinely wonderful; Yaxiu occasionally chuckled in his sleep. He had never realized good looks could be so useful, and he almost regretted not letting the crow healer give him a full facial remodeling package. Even so, something was still very off. Finally, last night, Yaxiu spotted Igola in the dining hall and carried his tray over to sit across from him, only for something utterly unbelievable to happen— Igola had actually bolted! The Swindler hadn't even finished his Lalafell. The moment Yaxiu sat down, he scurried off in a hurry, not even willing to call him "Brother Yaxiu"! Thinking back carefully, Yaxiu suddenly realized the Swindler seemed to have been avoiding him for the past few days. Several times they were about to cross paths in the hallway, only for Igola to turn down another corridor every single time. Yaxiu had initially assumed Igola had urgent business, but looking back, Igola was clearly dodging him on sight! Something seriously wrong must have happened! "So, I wanted to ask if either of you has any clues." Inside Yaxiu's room, Yaxiu, Harvey, and Lisi sat around a table, sharing the strawberry cheesecake that had just sprouted in the room. Perhaps as a lingering effect of the Blood Moon candies, Harvey had developed quite a sweet tooth. However, he didn't care for eating cake plain; instead, he dipped his cat grass cigarettes into it like french fries. The necromancer remarked offhandedly, "Igola never called you 'Brother Yaxiu' before either, did he?" "He might not have said it out loud, but I know deep down he respects me," Yaxiu said. "Now he won't even speak to me, which is why I know there's a big problem." Picking out every single strawberry and popping them into her mouth one after another, Lisi mumbled around her food, "Dad, did you do something to offend Aunt Bogin?" "How could I have..." Yaxiu suddenly recalled bursting through the door a few days ago to have an intimate conversation with Igola while he was in the bath: "...done something like that? (whispered extra quietly)" "If you offended Aunt Bogin, can't you just pick a time to apologize to him?" Lisi suggested. "Like barging in while he's taking a bath. He'd definitely forgive you." Yaxiu shot Lisi a surprised look and flashed her a thumbs-up. "To think you'd have the exact same thought! Calling me 'Dad' wasn't for nothing after all!" "Right?!" "However..." Yaxiu mused, "I don't think that's a good idea." "Why not?" Lisi asked. "Is apologizing a bad idea? It can't be that ambushing Aunt Bogin in the bath is the problem—it's not like you're a good person anyway, Dad." Yaxiu bonked Lisi's little head with his fist. "How should I put it... it just feels... a bit dangerous." "What danger?" Harvey chewed on his cake-coated tobacco with a crisp crackle. "You aren't even afraid of a clothed Igola, so why fear an unclothed one?" "Still, I feel like Igola in the bath is very dangerous." Yaxiu crossed his arms and closed his eyes, as if trying to divine the future. "The main thing is, I feel like Igola is holding something back. I have a strong premonition that if I go provoke him..." He pondered for a good while. "Something bad might happen." Harvey and Lisi exchanged glances, unable to fathom what terrible thing Igola could possibly do to Yaxiu. When it came down to it, Igola was not a combat-oriented sorcerer; the worst he could do was hypnotize Yaxiu. And the ways he messed with Yaxiu were always the same few tricks: strip naked and streak through the dining hall, call Qinna 'wife,' or call Annan 'daughter.' At the absolute worst, doing all three at the same time. Setting aside the fallout, Yaxiu hardly looked like someone who would even care about that sort of thing. Surely Igola wouldn't beat Yaxiu up, would he? "Moving on to the next topic," Harvey said. "Regarding Yaxiu suddenly becoming popular with women, I propose three possibilities: Yaxiu is hallucinating; Yaxiu is suffering hallucinations induced by Igola's hypnosis; Yaxiu is hallucinating from Beauty Mist poisoning; or Yaxiu is hallucinating due to soul damage." Because soul damage required a full eight hours of sleep, costing him a working stiff's quality two hours of sleep, Yaxiu, out of his habit of playing the victim, had informed everyone about his demise in the Void Realm. Lisi raised her hand and solemnly corrected him: "Uncle Harvey, you clearly proposed four points!" Yaxiu's face fell. "Actually, there's only one point here... And it really isn't just my imagination! At least, not entirely!" Harvey thought about it. "My word doesn't carry much weight on this matter. After all, I'm the same sex as you, and my aesthetic tastes are rather refined—you wouldn't accept my evaluation anyway. Why don't you weigh in, Lisi? You have to trust your daughter, right?" Yaxiu looked at Lisi. Unhurried, Lisi gulped down her cake and let out a tiny hiccup. She wiped her hands with a napkin, grabbed Yaxiu's sleeve, sniffled, and looked up with teary eyes, her face brimming with sympathy and pity. "I'm sorry, Dad. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. Can we forget about getting a stepmother, please? I'll never mention a stepmother in front of you again! Don't torture yourself like this! Lisi's heart hurts so much..." Yaxiu immediately reached down to undo his belt. "Harvey, do you know any healing miracles? If I whip her butt red and raw, you can heal it back, right?"